In the words of one marie claire staffer: it's a fruit platter. A fruit platter cruelly masquerading as birthday cake. Behold:
Note to Victoria's five-year-old daughter Harper, or whoever put this gluten-free, dairy-free, refined carbs-free monstrosity together: sticking a candle in does not a cake make.
Against all odds, Victoria appeared to have an enjoyable day anyway, posting the below photo with the Beckham brood:
At least now we know what it takes to look like Posh Spice.