Nicole Kidman On Facing Her Fears And Finding Her New Purpose

And why she's most passionate about family, friends and her work

Nicole Kidman and her husband, the country music star Keith Urban, like to play a little game. Say they’re talking about a guitarist: “When I say to him, ‘What kind of guitarist is that person?’ we do this,” she says, patting her head, patting her heart, and then motioning downwards. “Head, heart, or,” she cocks an eyebrow. “It’s a great way to describe different artists, right?”

It is. And it also raises a question: what kind of artist is she? “Well, I always say I’m a pretty even mix, but I’m probably dominated by that,” she says, with one hand over her heart. “If you don’t come from a feeling place, you just end up with an enormous amount of technique. I have this,” she says, tapping her head, “but that can be overruled. It fluctuates too. I have a strong sexuality. It’s a huge part of who I am and my existence.”

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Anyone who has seen Kidman in HBO’s hit series Big Little Lies has witnessed all three elements at play, but off -screen her sexuality also manifests in more innocent ways, such as when she sees her husband – who crashes our interview at Noshville Delicatessen in Nashville, where the couple have lived since they married in 2006. “Excuse me,” Urban says, approaching the booth. “Can I clear these dishes for you?” Kidman beams and pulls him down next to her. They eat here often enough that the burgundy-haired hostess, Linda, barely bats an eye when they enter but can’t help exhaling dreamily when they leave: “I could stare at him all day long. He’s just the most beautiful man!”

As for Kidman, she seems to exist in a different climate on this sticky day, wearing her pale-blonde curls swept up at the nape of her neck and a charcoal blazer despite the heat. If the other diners have noticed a movie star eating among them, they aren’t doing anything about it, which is one reason why Kidman loves living here. It’s hardly a quiet city, but it isn’t crawling with paparazzi like LA or New York. Kidman now considers Nashville her hometown and her two daughters with Urban, 10-year-old Sunday Rose and seven-year-old Faith Margaret, Nashvillians. (For souvenir shopping, Kidman recommends a place downtown where one daughter got her first pair of pink cowboy boots.) The family home has a recording studio for Urban, but Kidman used it herself while singing on his 2017 track “Female”. “I was eating breakfast and went down in my pyjamas,” she recalls. “Yeah, I’ll do anything for him.

Kidman with husband Keith Urban and daughters Sunday, 10, and Faith, 7

“I have a very sort of quiet life, I suppose,” she adds, forking some fruit. “I try to live a soulful, artistic life. [That means] trying to raise my daughters in a really conscious, present way. Time becomes so precious as you get older.” It also means signing on to projects that resonate deeply. “I feel probably more now than I ever have. I’m incredibly sensitive to the world and to the way in which we’re all navigating together as people. Artistically, I can make statements.”

Statements like “Love is love” – the message of her new film Boy Erased (out November 8), directed by Joel Edgerton and based on Garrard Conley’s 2016 memoir about being a Baptist pastor’s son (played by Lucas Hedges) who is pressured to undergo gay- conversion therapy in Arkansas. Kidman plays his torn mother; Russell Crowe plays his intolerant father.

“I waited a long time to be married to Nicole,” Crowe jokes. The actors have known each other since moving in the same circles in Australia, where director Jane Campion encouraged a young Kidman to pursue acting as a career. “We didn’t talk until a jam-packed house party in Darlinghurst. She was 19, maybe,” Crowe recalls. “I say we talked, but I actually don’t think I got more than a word or two out. She’s kind of held me spellbound ever since.”

It’s a subtle kind of magic she casts in person, not so different from the spell she casts on screen, whether she’s playing a fame-hungry weathercaster in To Die For or Virginia Woolf in The Hours (a role for which she won an Academy Award). “Nicole’s acting is too seamless to describe these days, really,” Crowe says. “She is so consummate in how she inhabits characters. In the great actors, there’s always the concurrent contradictions of shyness and showmanship, and acute sensitivity and internal steel. She is brave on behalf of the truth, and that clarity makes her so compelling.”


Brave. It’s different from being fearless. Kidman experiences fear. “Crippling fear at times,” she says. “But at the same time, I was raised by stoics.” The actress was born in Hawaii but grew up in Sydney, the eldest daughter of a biochemist father and a nurse- educator mother. She credits her late father, who later became a psychologist, with teaching her about stoicism at an early age. “It’s a philosophy, a way of behaving and being in the world, which I kind of don’t have,” she says wryly. “I have a little bit of it, but I have far more of, like, ‘Oh, my God, I can’t get through this!’ And then I think, ‘Get up!’” She shakes her head. “I think once you have children, your resilience is built, and your ability to go, ‘OK, I can’t wallow … and I certainly can’t get into bed for a week and never get out.’”

Still, resilience is a quality she has been building in herself for a long time. “I’ve had artistic failures,” Kidman says. She has endured painful trials in her personal life as well, some of which she has spoken about openly, such as her fertility struggles and miscarriages during her marriage to Tom Cruise. After marrying in 1990, they divorced in 2001, and their adopted children, Isabella, now 25, and Connor, 23, opted to live with Cruise. Even today, Kidman is the subject of intense scrutiny when it comes to her relationship with her older children. “They’re adults now, married and off in their own lives,” she says. “They’re totally grown-up people.”

After brunch, she’s heading to New York to see her “Mumma”, who she has own in from Australia with some friends. “I’m on daughter duty for the next two days,” Kidman says. “I’m going to take her to the theatre to see Carey Mulligan in Girls & Boys. [And] I’ll take her shopping.” While in the city, she also plans to visit Naomi Watts, one of several Australians Kidman counts among her closest friends and collaborators. (Friends call them “Nic” and “Nai”.)

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Bruna Papandrea, an executive producer on Big Little Lies (along with Kidman and Reese Witherspoon), is also part of the circle. Papandrea recalls one time in particular when Kidman was there for her. “When I really struggled to get pregnant, and I had multiple miscarriages, I remember at one of our other friends’ weddings being bereft and having that moment where you think it’s not going to happen,” she says. “And I remember [Nicole] taking me in her arms and just saying, ‘It’s going to be OK; you’ll make a family in the way you can,’ and how significant that was in that moment. You have to have empathy as a human[in order] to show empathy as an actor,” Papandrea adds.

On screen, Kidman’s empathy seems to border on telepathy in terms of how she embodies her characters. As she puts it, “I get to live my life, but I get to go into other people’s lives too. They’re transient, but I absolutely live those lives.” Once in a while, she steps into a mythical being, such as the queen of Atlantis, who she plays in the sci- comic fantasy Aquaman, out in December (“My way of having a little street cred with my children,” she says). But Kidman has also entered her share of tortured souls. She recently finished shooting Destroyer, a crime thriller in which she plays an LAPD detective who must reckon with mistakes she
has made in the past. “That was a hell place to exist,” Kidman says. “I was completely in pain, to the point my husband was like, ‘I cannot wait for this to end.’”

But these are the experiences that keep Kidman excited about making movies. “When I have the ability, I always choose to go back to that very basic, in-the-trenches film making,” she says, eyes sparkling. And lately, she has stepped up her efforts even more to tell women’s stories with her Blossom Films production company. (With about 60 movies as an actor to her credit, she just signed a first-look lm and TV deal with Amazon Studios, which recently green-lit a TV series adaptation of Janice YK Lee’s The Expatriates.)

Kidman performing as Queen Atlanna in ‘Aquaman’

Kidman traces her own feminism back to her childhood in the 1970s, when her mother used to make her and sister Antonia hand out leaflets advocating for political candidates who supported women’s rights. “At school we’d get teased ‘Your mum is so radical,’” Kidman recalls. “At the time, we’d roll our eyes and be embarrassed. But my sister and I are both advocates now. It was an incredible gift to be given.”

As a Goodwill Ambassador for UN Women, Kidman has long been a champion of women’s rights, but she is becoming louder in her activism. In her Best Actress acceptance speech for Big Little Lies at this year’s Golden Globes, she touched on everything from domestic abuse to the power of female friendship. Some of these issues are baked into the first season of Big Little Lies, even though the show and the book it’s based on predate #MeToo. (A second season, with Meryl Streep joining the cast, has finished shooting.) But Kidman’s character, Celeste – who at once lusts for and fears her violent husband, played by Alexander Skarsgård – quickly became part of the conversation about power dynamics and sexual and domestic abuse. “I think that’s just when culture and storytelling collide – probably storytelling igniting parts of it and unravelling parts of it. Domestic abuse, or any sort of abuse, and that misuse of power … it’s insidious,” says Kidman, who also scored an Emmy for her role. “The day after I won, I was in San Francisco doing a fundraiser for domestic violence. It’s probably the Catholic in me, but as soon as there’s some sort of glory or you receive something [I feel that] you then have to … counteract it with giving back.”

Last October, following multiple allegations against Harvey Weinstein, Kidman memorably voiced her support for “all women who speak out against any abuse and misuse of power, be it domestic violence or sexual harassment in the workforce”. She didn’t reference Weinstein by name and made no mention of being harassed herself by the producer, but they worked together on many films, including Cold Mountain and Lion. The movement has sparked debate about art made by alleged abusers. “I look at those films that [Roman] Polanski made, and they’re amazing. I’m … navigating through it myself with my own moral compass,” she says. “What do you do? Do you ban it or see it as art? Or judge it in this time looking back at that time? I have no answer.”

But she does have questions. Her favourites: “‘What do you mean?’ And, ‘I don’t understand.’ And, ‘Teach me,’” she says. “Those are really important things to be saying. I’m willing to learn. Since I was a kid, I’ve loved learning, growing, broadening, understanding, being challenged, being dissected. And I’ve had some of the greatest teachers in the world.”

The late Stanley Kubrick, who directed her in Eyes Wide Shut, was one. “He came into my life and was like, ‘OK, I’m going to make a lot of your beliefs unstable right now for the reason of making you teachable,’ which is a great place to exist in,” she says. Campion, who directed her in The Portrait of a Lady, is another. “One of the great minds,” Kidman says. “She’s got an enormous amount of wisdom.” The actress also tells a story about the late Philip Roth, whose novel The Human Stain was the basis for the eponymous movie in which she starred. As they were getting to know each other, she used to ask the author one persistent question: “‘But why, Philip?’” she recalls. “And he would go, ‘Nicole, why is the worst question.’” He later presented her with a copy of The Human Stain, which he had inscribed with the words “Why not?”

“I sort of live by that now,” she smiles. “Why not?”

Kidman starring alongside Russell Crowe in the gay-conversion therapy film ‘Boy Erased’.

Boy Erased is in cinemas now and Aquaman premieres on December 26. 

This article originally appeared in the December issue of marie claire Australia. On sale now. 

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