Recently, I was eavesdropping on a group of friends having brunch. I overheard things like “love” and “soulmate” and “hottest sex” and “why can’t they just be together?” Like a scene straight out of Sex and The City, these four women spent hours unpacking and dissecting the men in their lives.
Except the men they were talking about weren’t guys they were dating; they were Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander from Heated Rivalry, Benedict from Bridgerton, and Xaden from Fourth Wing. That’s right. Despite all the headlines about heterofatalism (the idea that heterosexual women wish they weren’t attracted to men but can’t help it), it turns out straight women are still extremely into men. They’re just fictional, and not always straight.
As the host of Triple J’s sex, dating and relationships podcast, The Hook Up, I can tell you that the brunch chat I overheard wasn’t a one-off. In the past few years, I’ve spoken to many heterosexual women devouring romantasy and smut novels such as A Court of Thorns and Roses and From Blood and Ash.
Others are getting hot and horny for Heathcliff in the new film adaption of Wuthering Heights. At the same time, many are deleting their dating apps and complaining that “all men are trash”! Research suggests more young women are choosing to be single than ever before.
So, what’s going on with straight women? Until very recently, many women have been forced to explore desire and pleasure through media created largely by heterosexual men, aka the male gaze. Before I even knew what sex was, I was watching Britney Spears in a schoolgirl outfit singing about wanting to be hit one more time. Or Xtina getting dirty in her bra and leather chaps.
Before I could even explore my sexuality, I was being told what it looked like. Women are constantly sexualised in ads, songs, movies, books, magazines and porn, but it’s rarely a diverse representation of sexuality. It’s a very specific, very male version.
According to sexologist Lauren French, this has left many women feeling like sex and pleasure aren’t for them. “She’ll assume that she’s just not a sexual person [if she doesn’t identify with those tropes], which is just bullshit,” says French.
Add to that the sexual dissatisfaction many straight women experience in their dating lives – research shows only 30 to 40 per cent of women reach orgasm during casual sex compared with 80 to 90 per cent of men – and it’s not surprising that many of us are turning to fantasy and fictional characters instead.
It’s in these spaces away from the pressures of the male gaze, nonchalant dating culture and the traumatic reality of Epstein/male violence/the manosphere that we can explore our desires freely.
We can lust after warriors, dragon riders and enemies who become lovers without dealing with the real-life consequences of dangerous or obsessive men. We can fantasise about being deeply known and desired – not just admired for our looks – by rich, brooding dukes. And get turned on by watching two men who are rivals (but equals) have hot, passionate and safe sex, without the objectification of our bodies. Finally, the female gaze has gone mainstream.
The latest season of Bridgerton – a period drama where sex scenes focus on female pleasure and male yearning – debuted with 39.7 million views in its first four days of streaming, with Netflix already locking in fifth and sixth seasons.
Following Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights, starring Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi, a TV series adaptation of Rebecca Yarros’ Fourth Wing romantasy book is now underway courtesy of Amazon Prime. Meanwhile, Sarah J. Maas has announced two new instalments in the A Court of Thorns and Roses saga, and Iron & Embers author Helen Scheuerer is releasing a new enemies-to-lovers romantasy, The Shadow Prince, in May. Let’s just say, years from now, women will still be swooning over fictional lovers at brunch, and next time I might even join in.
It’s Not Love, Actually by Dee Salmin (Macmillan Australia, $36.99) is out April 28.
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