For this poorly-made, low-production, crappily-scripted, cheese-tastic, dramageddon turned a skeptic – that would be me- into a true believer. And now I want everyone to revel in the sparkle that is Markle.
Despite the 24/7 media saturation and coverage dissecting every aspect of the royal affair, the telemovie still managed to serve up some pearlers about Harry and Meghan’s lives that have been unreported. Until now. Hold onto your Union Jack tea-towels people, here are some takeaways you might have missed:
1. Diana’s spirit lives on in a lion in Africa
Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write, yet this was a pivotal plot point in the telemovie. Harry makes this revelation to Meghan when he takes her to Botswana on their second date (see ##altnews1). In a seminal scene, he spills his guts to the young divorcee about the fact he thinks a lion he spotted on a visit there only months after Diana’s death carries the spirit of his dead mother (!!!) When Meghan accepts his story as plausible, this turns out to be a turning point in their relationship. Well, it moved Meghan to strip off all her clothes and soon they were rolling around in the African savannah together like Simba and Nala from the Lion King. It’s not entirely clear if this story is true (##altnews2), but what is certain is that the `Diana-lion’ is easily the best big cat appearance on film since Aslan in Narnia.
2. Racism is nothing compared to Ranga rage
In another moment of confessional outpouring that would put Married At First Sight couples to shame, Meghan spends some considerable time telling Harry how hard it’s been growing up in America as a bi-racial woman. How she’s neither considered black, nor white and has never really fitted in. That is until her acting career allowed her to create a version of herself that people accepted. Harry reacted like any royal would: seizing the moment to tell a heartbreaking story about himself and how he’s had to suffer the slings and arrows of ranga jokes, forever cursed as the Royal ginge. The struggle is real folks.
3. Meghan breaks up with Harry cos she is a strong, independent woman
IRL Harry famously dispatches a statement from the palace telling the press, paparazzi and internet trolls to back-off and leave Meghan alone. Meghan makes out she had no knowledge of this press release (#altnews3) and is so pissed off at Harry wanting to save her that Meghan breaks off the relationship. “I have spent years dealing with trolls and death threats all by myself," she tells the made-for-TV prince "... I am not some fragile wench up in an ivory tower. My tower ain’t ivory, dude. And I’m not going to be put into one, you hear me?” Dem’s fighting words. In case you haven’t heard, Meghan is a strong and independent woman who can look after herself, thank you very much, and she don’t need no prince to rescue her. On last count, Meghan said the line "I am a strong, independent woman,’’ 5968 times (#altnews4).
4. Old footage of Diana’s funeral reunites the young lovers (spoiler: BEST SCENE EVER)
After Meghan breaks up with Harry she spends the night crying into her pillow, until her no-nonsense mum steps in to save the day. Her mum’s radical relationship intervention idea? Force Meghan to watch footage of Diana’s funeral. I kid you not. "That boy lost his mother to the paparazzi,’’ Meghan’s mum explains over the footage of Harry walking behind the coffin. "And after the crash, when she lay there dying, what did they do? They took pictures. Now those same people are attacking you. And you expect him not to try and protect you?” OMG!
I wanted to leap through the TV and knight the Markle matriarch myself. Instead I found myself urging Meghan to reunite with her one true love: "She’s right Meghan,’’ I said to the TV screen. "Harry just wants to protect you like he couldn't protect his mum.’’
I cried me a river. And now that I’m so heavily invested, I want Harry and Meghan to make a go of it. For Diana’s sake (cos really that’s what this is all about isn’t it?). Regardless, I have tissues in hand, in preparation for the fairytale wedding and the big fat celebration of cheesy love that it is.
Then I give ‘em 5 years.
#altnews1: Harry did take Meghan to his spiritual hone of Botswana, but much later in the piece as a pre-honeymoon getaway
#altnews2: the story isn’t true
#altnews3: Meghan so would have know about that press release
#altnews 4: She probably only said it once, but you get the picture