Episode 2 of The Bachelor kicked off with all the girls sitting around discussing the cocktail party and that Bali designer declaring “blue dress Kayla” didn’t deserve a rose. Osher interrupts and the ladies are arguably more excited about seeing him than when they met Nick.
Osh offers up a date card and Cass declares she’d "really like the date", surprising absolutely no one.
Sweet little Shannon gets the first single date of the show and, when Cass’ attempt at shooting literal daggers out of her eyes fails to kill her, off she trots, but not before - Blonde Number 4 says she's not threatened because she knows Nick's type better than him.
In Honey Badger language, Shannon was “nervous as a bag of cats at a greyhound meeting” upon seeing the helicopter, but a wee kiss on the cheek from Nick and they were off down to the beach.
Romy - previously established as Blonde Number 4, Bali Designer AKA Cat, and Blonde Number 5, who spent all of last episode spilling tea with the producers, have been labelled the three snakes of the house with Crystal Girl declaring, “I’m about as happy to go on a group date with Cat as I am to shoot myself in the head.”
Serious question: Is anyone else sitting here smiling like a nutter at the TV while Shannon and Nick laugh on the beach? No? Just me?
The ladies are perched on the couch ready to tear Shannon to shreds to find out if she kissed Bachie. But, thankfully for Shannon's safety, she reveals they didn't lock lips and the first pash is still up for the taking.
Day two and the women head off on a group date.
But seriously, what is with these batshit crazy, dress-up photoshoots????
First up, three of the girls dress as a rock band and Jarrod, we mean Cass, and her leather butt made up for the diary incident as much as humanly possible, before Brooke and Nick had eye sex with Vanessa Sunshine holding an axe beside them.
Did no one think about how dangerous that could have been?
Next up, we have the naughty school girls and the teachers, which was just plain awkward, and Sophie attempting to do a downward dog - or an "upward serpent suggestive dog," depending on the language you speak.
Nick rocks into the mansion and all the women awkwardly line up for hugs, before he takes Romy AKA Keria out for pizza where things get heated and she attempts to steal the first kiss from the Badg.
An important observation:
Nick tries to dodge Romy's kiss, but you gotta be quick around here: she plants one on the lips before he quickly simmers things down and she starts pashing his neck instead.
Right, we're back at the cocktail party and Romy all but walked in holding a sign saying she passionately kissed the Badg, which we'd say is a tad inflated. She also says it "wasn't forced," which is debatable.
Shannon starts crying and the producer swoops in to get the goods for the TV - subtitles and all - and everyone seemed confused about why on Earth a woman would feel upset after spending an entire day getting to know someone and feeling a connection only for someone else to pash - or at least, say they pashed - him.
Nick's talking to a ridiculously good looking girl we've never seen but who Romy declares is "definitely not his type," before she swoops in for another couple of neck kisses with all the women watching.
Next up, it's the rose ceremony and we're getting clammy hands just looking at Cass.
Two women we've literally never seen before get sent home with Nick giving Sophie a I-think-you're-really-hot-so-I'm-keeping-you-on rose.
But the most shocking part of the night? The preview for next week's episode when Cass - no joke - brings her now infamous DIARY to the cocktail party to read to Nick.
We have no idea what potion these producers are giving her, but god damn it we're ready for next Tuesday.