MAFS Recap: Bryce Really Just Said “Well, You’re Not Ugly”

Sorry, what?

It’s time for us to recap episode 3 of Married At First Sight 2021! I’m overwhelmed with weddings. It is far too much wedding business for one week, as I say every year. But that is the name of the game (also, literally the name of the show so I don’t know what I was expecting) and every day we inch closer to the cheating scandal, which is really what keeps me going.

So we come back to our three couples from yesterday all lounging around in bed. Sam and Cam slept in dressing gowns which should be illegal.

seriously, who sleeps in these

They say how nice it was waking up next to a human being. Coco and Budget Justin Bieber seem to be getting along a little better, with Coco saying she feels when they’re nervous they’re polar opposites, and she hopes they’ll find a groove.

Booka and Brett had the best night together, spending most of it chatting and some of it spooning. I love them? They’d better not split up.

Next we meet new couples. First it’s Alana, a self-described “hot teacher” who bangs on about having to dress demurely for school because she’s simply too hot, but how outside of the classroom she’s very in tune with her sexuality and happy to talk about anything and everything. I envision this woman never getting a job in education again after (probably) giving a detailed blow-by-literal-blow account of her honeymoon to the producers, but she’s clearly here to become Insta-famous anyway and probably doesn’t care!

They pair her with Jason, a tradie with 400 nieces that he loves, so they feel he’ll be a good match because Alana wants kids, and he likes kids! That’s all it takes at this point, guys. Seriously next the experts will match people because “they both like pizza!” or “they both breathe air!”

Next we meet Jo, who is 39 and looks about 12. Honestly, what fountain of youth has this woman been drinking? The blood of baby unicorns? I WANT IT.

this woman looks younger than Gigi Hadid

She’s a barber and a single mum of two boys, saying it’s hard to meet guys because she can’t date mid-week and leave her kids at home. They pair her with James, a 44 year old prestige car company owner??? He seems EXACTLY like every car salesman I’ve ever come across. Somehow I don’t foresee him getting along with a barber.

We get their wedding first, and before I even go into their meet-cute and all of that… James is wearing a LITERAL WIGGLES SKIVVY.

Toot toot chugga chugga big red car

That is a skivvy. To a wedding. A formal skivvy. Is that even a thing? As a fashion editor, I am telling you no. It is not. I’d rather he showed up shirtless with just a blazer on at this point.

The cutest part of their meeting is that they each have three kids. It’s a real-life Aussie Brady Bunch, you guys! They both seem to really like each other which is sweet. 

Over to Alana and Jason, who also have a cute wedding – they’re both clearly quite nervous and quiet but seem into each other.

At Jo and James’ reception, which is TEENY (I assume because Melbourne was in lockdown, maybe?) and features two bridesmaids and like, a dad or something, Jo is feeling insecure about James’ wealth. Specifically, just his Rolex watch which to be honest, he isn’t flashing around but they’re definitely trying to make out like he’s flashing it around. She can’t stop looking at it.

It’s definitely not from Bali right

She roasts him for being a car salesman and he… doesn’t love it. I’m not sure if he’s enough of a laugh for Jo, to be honest. But at the same time, she’s definitely pre-judged him based literally on the Rolex and being a car salesman, so. 

Meanwhile, all is going well for Alana and Jason until Alana’s bridesmaid asks him what his hobbies are, and he literally says “partying”. It sounds like the dude is a big Stereosonic/clubbing/throwing up in the gardenia bushes fan and honestly, mood but at the same time Alana is not into it.

I really pegged her to also be a party girl type but apparently she’s not really a gal out on the town, and she’s worried Jason’s partying ways won’t work for her. Meanwhile he’s totally hoping she’s going to say they should do shots later.

After their reception, Jo and James sit down and Jo reveals her insecurity around not being “good enough” for him. He also says he wants her to look beyond his Rolex (lol) to see the true him, and he’s not looking for someone who likes money or whatever Jo was worried about. Whatever, they work their shit out and kiss! It’s cute!

Alana and Jason also patch things up, with Jason telling her he’s over the partying life and wants kids just like she does.

Then we follow Jo and James to their first night together, and it’s probably the raciest things have been on MAFS in years! He takes her garter off with his teeth! She strips down to a sexy lingerie situation! They make out on the bed! I mean it’s G-rated at best but for this show, wow.

Is this Love Island

In the morning Jo tells us that while they didn’t have sex, there was a lot of “dancing”. We cop some great footage of James doing truly heinous drunk dance moves in his footy shorts or something, which is a) iconic and b) something he will regret for years to come.

Alana and Jason had a good night too, just kissing. Then we head to the honeymoons! First it’s Bec and that guy (there are TOO MANY people in this show). Remember them? They were the couple with zero chemistry and guess what, they still have no chemistry.

She shuts him down for trying to kiss her, saying it wasn’t the right moment. It’s so awkward, I mean she has a point – he says he was trying to “read the signs” but seriously, what signs my guy? There were no signs, besides “please do not touch me and stay 1.5 COVID metres away from me at all times”.

Booka and Sweet Brett are having a wonderful time half-naked in the bath. They’ve easily got the most chemistry going of all the couples.

Then we go see what Bryce and Melissa are up to and it’s…. Not good. Basically, they’re playing around with an honesty box (never a good idea) and Melissa asks Bryce what his thoughts were when he saw her (really not a good idea).

He stupidly says some weird, garbled chaos like “my type is usually blonde hair and blue eyes” which like…

Are you bloody serious

And makes it even worse by being like “well, you’ve got blonde hair! And I thought, she’s not ugly”. WOW. Honestly, the way to compliment a girl is not to say “well, you’re not ugly”.

Understandably, Melissa is really upset. Not only is this her trigger point, but literally ANY person who was complimented with “well, you’re not ugly” would be upset? I’m starting to really dislike Bryce – even more so when he then somehow turns it on Melissa after she asks if he’s there for the right reasons… SIMPLY because she wanted to know if she should hold back her feelings or not.

He gets pissed, she gets upset, things are not looking good for these two.

Melissa Mason is the digital editor of marie claire. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram.

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