MAFS Recap: Maybe Bryce Should Just Marry Two Blue Eyeballs, Then

Seriously, this guy.

We’re a whole commitment ceremony down now and somehow all of these tepid couples made it through. Seriously, are we just here for Booka and Brett now? I think we are.

We go back to the couples post-ceremony for a few producer-led, fake as hell questions like Booka asking Brett his thoughts on Coco and Sam. Lol, as if they care! A producer probably had to remind Booka of Coco’s name, even. My favourite convo had to be Beth and Russell, with Beth fudging her way through a reason as to why she chose to stay that isn’t “so I get more airtime”.

Meanwhile, Sam’s prepped her apartment for Cam to move back in, and they’re sort of tolerating each other for now. So that’s good, I guess. What isn’t good is the complete destruction of Joanne and James’ relationship – not surprising, though, given Joanne wrote “Stay: for now” on her card. She is completely gobsmacked that this would have offended James to the point of separate bedrooms. Absolutely shocked that such a dismissive comment about her feelings might make James feel insecure!

Bec and Jake also patch things up somewhat, but to be honest I missed it all because I was staring at whatever beard disaster is going on here:

What on God’s green earth

It’s now time for Intimacy Week, which is being run by Alessandra and is based on chats she had with everyone individually before their marriages. She’s like “I’ve tailor made these exercises to the individual couples” which definitely means “I’ve made a great plan to screw with them all.”

Belinda and Patrick are up first, and Allesandra gives them three challenges – gazing into each other’s eyes, which looks awkward as all hell, then a really, really long hug, then a ten minute makeout session. Belinda hates the entire thing (as would I) and by the makeout session is like:


Honestly I would rather watch a ten minute loop of that time Tony Abbott ate a raw onion than makeout with ANYONE for ten full minutes, clinically, with cameras zoomed up my nostril. So Belinda, I feel you.

Bryce and Melissa are having a far easier time of it, likely because they’ve already had sex. They do the gazing exercise but squished all together while sitting on the ground, which looks bloody uncomfortable. They end up making out, but then Bryce has to ruin it all by saying – AGAIN – that he “actually likes” Melissa’s eyes… “even if they aren’t blue”. He clearly means it as a joke but how has this guy not worked out yet that this is kryptonite for Melissa? She completely shuts down. Honestly, Bryce, read the room.

There’s a few chats that go on – Joanne wants to dress up for James, which seems like an olive branch he might accept. Bec addresses the Merv Hughes situation on Jake’s face, and says it has to go for Intimacy Week. Oh, and we cop the object of my future fantasies – Brett in a towel turban.

Helloooooo, Brett

Back to Belinda and Patrick, who are not coping with this task. They’re now opting to just caress each other while sitting in that awful cross-legged position Bryce and Melissa did, but they can’t get it right because they’re big, adorable dorks. The caressing is also The Worst, and in the end Belinda walks out. I don’t know about these guys, I feel like they might not make it. The chemistry just isn’t there?

Next up are Cam and Sam, who spend the first exercise laughing and it seems to diffuse some of their tension. But then they have to do that horrible long hug, and it just looks awkward as all hell.

Booka and Brett get given this box of “goodies” and told to choose what they want to use.

Booka chooses these handcuffs and a feather whip and then dresses up as a Russian BDSM instructor or something, and gives Brett a sexy massage. He’s happy because a) Booka is in lingerie giving him a sexy massage and b) because Booka is in lingerie giving him a sexy massage. Jokes, he likes that she’s having fun because he’s been worried she’s too serious for him.

Ok we went from 0 to 100 on the fun scale, though

Cam and Sam share a bed without murdering each other, and Bryce is still banging on about Melissa’s eye colour. Honestly, is this guy okay? Why is he so obsessed with blue eyes? It’s getting creepy, to be honest.

Then Belinda and Patrick give the exercises another go the next day, after Belinda tells Patrick she feels like he’s always initiating intimacy and doesn’t give her a chance to. This time around it’s clear they’re both more relaxed, and gazing turns to hugging turns to… kissing! They pash on for Australia, we love to see it.

At the end of the episode we see Cam and Sam waking up together. Sam seems pretty happy with everything but Cam tells us he’s just not feeling any vibe anymore. He says he was so scared sleeping next to her that he almost fell off the bed, or something. It’s not looking good!

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