The first week of Married At First Sight always feels overwhelming, right? It’s like, I can’t keep up with all of these marriages and people’s names and bad fade haircuts. We’re already onto episode two, and I’ve already forgotten who anyone is. Including that new expert lady.
But the show must go on. We come back to Bryce and Melissa in bed together after their first night as husband and wife. And it’s been a FIRST NIGHT, if you get my drift. I’m talking about sex. They had it. They had the sex.
Basically their smoke alarm went off and for some reason that was the peak of sexiness, because it blew off all their clothes and got them down and dirty. Who knew smoke alarms were an aphrodisiac?
Two people who did not get it on? Bec and Jake, who slept in separate bedrooms after Bec felt Jake came on too strong at their wedding. Honestly, if this ain’t a mood:
Then, we go back to the experts to see who they’re setting up next. It’s Sam, our mother of two who got married super young. She tells us that she found evidence her husband was cheating on her for their entire 5-year relationship, which sucks a LOT. Honestly, this might be the only person where I’m like “yeah fair enough, I’d also be done with love and just keen to become a reality TV influencer at this point”.
She’s easily the most admirable contestant I’ve ever seen on this show. We see her old house, which she describes as “squalor” and is not wrong, and she tells us how she basically started being Mrs Handyman to make the place liveable for her two boys. This is a woman who has built her own life with her own two hands. What a legend.
They match her with Cam, a crane operator who says he wants to be a young dad. They almost match her with some other guy and I can’t help but think they mention it because down the track, Sam and this other dude are going to fall for each other and stomp all over their partner’s hearts. But we’ll see.
Then we meet the most interesting person on MAFS 2021 – Booka, a keyboardist in a metal band and already, apparently, a celebrity in the metal circles.
They set her up with THIS GUY:
I don’t know what I have against this guy (his name is Brett). No wait – I do. It’s that he reminds me of every softboy I’ve ever dated. In fact he looks like 90% of my exes, so maybe my grudge is based on that. Basically, he seems like the guy who is going to gaslight you and tell you you’re being crazy, and you’re putting words in his mouth, and blah blah blah toxic king vibes.
Then we move on to Coco, the chaotic pilates teacher who clashed with Sam in episode 1. She’s got a hectic back story – she tells us that 2 weeks after she married her ex-husband, he cried to her mother-in-law about feeling like he didn’t love her as much as he loved his mum. The mother-in-law then said “he will never love you as much as he loves me”. Which is a) really weird, Freudian energy and b) a gigantic red flag. So I’m glad she’s out of THAT relationship.
They match her with Boy Sam, who is a fashion designer and says he’s “not an entrepreneur, I don’t like that word. If anything I’m a hustler.” Sam, the term hustler is just as wanky as the term entrepreneur. Can someone let him know?
He has a seriously cute dog which won him points, but then said a main quality he needed in a woman was “decent boobs” so. I mean. Ugh.
The first wedding we get is Sam and… who? God, there are too many names in this show. SAM AND CAM. Omg. Sam and Cam. Guys. SAM AND CAM! I completely missed that but I’m so glad we have realised it now.
He is stoked beyond all life when she walks down the aisle, and it’s pretty cute.
Next it’s Booka and Brett. This guy’s personality is seriously “drinks coffee” or something. Have we seen him NOT drinking coffee yet?
When Booka arrives at the wedding though, he seems genuinely blown away with her which is really nice. More of these guys who feel like the luckiest dude on Earth please, and less Sam Ball types!
Finally we see Coco and Boy Sam get married. A few wind mishaps send her veil flying so their meet-cute is a bit stilted, but Coco is into him. Sam, however, all but says “she’s too loud for me”. I mean he is very diplomatic about it but we know what they mean but “she’s not what I’m used to” by now, don’t we.
During the photo sessions, things don’t go so great. Firstly, Sam and Cam (lol) are getting on like a house on fire… until she tells him about her two kids. Even though he was banging on about waaaah I want kids waaaah I want to be a young dad, he goes super weird when she tells him about her sons. My dude, make up your mind?
Coco and Boy Sam are also not having a great time of it. To be fair, Coco is trying to get to know him and is also hilarious (so far, love this woman), being all “I bet you’re into trance” and he gives her nothing? Get to know her, man! I feel like Sam is one of those guys who thinks he will land Gigi Hadid as a girlfriend one day or something. You know the type.
Here’s something fun – I’ve completely 180 about-turned on Brett. He’s so sweet at their reception! And besotted with Booka! And not intimidated by the fact she’s already graduated psychology and has this killer music career! He thinks it’s great! May more men be like Brett. This goes to show that I should keep dating my type because eventually the softboys will finish up and I’ll get a Brett, right? Right.
Coco and Boy Sam are STILL not gelling, and it feels like Sam is making it as hard as bloody possible for them to meet in the middle. He just keeps fake-laughing at her which makes her more nervous, therefore more loud… it’s a nightmare. Eventually they go have a solo chat and he straight up tells her he isn’t into her personality, which is gross. No need to say that, my dude! Also you barely know the woman? Give it a second, Jesus.
Sam and Cam are also not getting along, with Cam completely fixated on Sam having two kids. He is not into it, despite previously saying he’d be into it. She starts sensing his distance and pulls back herself. John will NOT be happy about this lack of communication.
Eventually, Cam has a chat with Sam and explains that he’s had a big day and that’s probably why he seems a bit distant, which calms her nerves a bit and honestly, fair enough. I do feel like he overreacted about the kids but it is also a LOT, getting married to a stranger and so on.
The fairytale here is hands down Booka and Brett though, who share a cheeky pash in the rose garden and head off seemingly in love. Sigh. We love to see it.