After his sister Niki was murdered by her husband, Tarang Chawla dedicated his life to challenging male violence. Now, he is urging men to stop distancing themselves from the problem- and start becoming part of the solution.
When Tarang Chawla talks about violence against women, he is not speaking from a distance. In 2015, his younger sister, Nikita “Niki” Chawla, was murdered by her husband. She was just 23 years old. In the decade since, Chawla has transformed unimaginable grief into advocacy, becoming a prominent voice on gender-based violence, masculinity and the online radicalisation of boys.
Speaking to marie claire Australia’s You’re Gonna Want To Hear This podcast, Chawla delivered a blunt message to men who respond to conversations about violence with the familiar defence: “Not all men.” “It’s a useless thing to say because it doesn’t actually do anything,” he told host Georgie McCourt. “We know that statistically it’s not all men, but we also know that, in a society where we are seeing the rates of sexual violence and domestic and family violence that women are experiencing, it’s enough men.”
The responsibility, he argued, therefore belongs to all men – not because all men are violent, but because all men can challenge the culture that allows violence, misogyny and harassment to flourish. “Collectively, it’s on all men to challenge the cultures that enable that to continue,” he said.
For Chawla, refusing to engage is not a neutral position. It is a way of absolving oneself of responsibility. “It doesn’t actually speak to any of the virtues that we try to associate with masculinity – about being responsible, about being someone who provides or protects,” he said. “It just says, ‘Oh, it’s someone else’s problem,’ which is probably the most cowardly thing that you can do.”
“I don’t think that manly men actually say, ‘Not all men.’ I think that manly men are the ones who put their hand up and go, ‘What do you want me to do, and how can I be part of the solution?’” Chawla co-founded the grassroots movement Not One More Niki in memory of his sister and was a founding member of Victoria’s Victim Survivors’ Advisory Council. His advocacy is informed by what his family learned too late about coercive control.
As Niki’s relationship with her abuser deepened, she became increasingly isolated from her family and friends. Although she was the primary breadwinner, her husband controlled the couple’s finances and monitored where she went, who she saw and how long she spent away from home. “When people talk about domestic abuse, family violence or male violence, sometimes we don’t talk about those aspects of power and control,” Chawla said. “We often just think of it as bruises and serious sexual assault. But oftentimes, women are living in fear and under domination and control.”
When Niki tried to end the relationship, her husband killed her. It is why Chawla rejects the question so often directed at women experiencing abuse: Why doesn’t she just leave?
“It still puts responsibility on the woman to change something about her environment rather than the man’s choice to be violent,” he said. “All of our emotions are natural reactions, but violence, using power, using control – that’s a choice.”
Chawla is also deeply concerned about the growing influence of the manosphere: an online ecosystem that can initially attract boys with content about fitness, confidence, dating or self-improvement before feeding them increasingly misogynistic ideas. He describes it as an ideology that exploits the insecurities of boys and men to fuel resentment against women. “We’re fed this steady state of rage bait and misogyny and just vile content through these devices,” he said.
Restricting the power of social-media algorithms may be part of the answer, Chawla believes, but it cannot eradicate a problem that existed long before the internet. “Misogyny predates the internet,” he said. “We have to invest in solutions that really work with boys and men around power and control and dominance and gender equality, but also understand the role that these algorithms are playing in terms of radicalisation.”
Too often, he added, conversations about the manosphere focus solely on the damage being done to boys. That ignores the girls and women who may ultimately experience the consequences of the behaviour it normalises. “Yes, boys and men are being radicalised by this content, but the impacts are being acutely felt by women and girls,” he said.
Central to Chawla’s work is the concept of the “Man Box”: a set of restrictive, unwritten rules that teach boys that men should be tough, dominant, emotionally detached and always in control. He remembers learning those rules as early as kindergarten. As a young child, he enjoyed having his toenails painted while spending time with his mother – until other boys mocked him for it. “To me, it was just quality time with my mum,” he said. “That was one of the first memories I have of: this is what boys do; this is what boys don’t do.”
The problem with the Man Box, Chawla explained, is that it harms everyone. It reduces women and girls while denying boys the freedom to experience vulnerability, tenderness, empathy and care without questioning their masculinity. “The right Man Box is no box at all,” he said. “Break it. Smash it. We don’t need it. Be a human being.” Despite the abuse and racism he has received for speaking publicly – including threats serious enough to involve police – Chawla remains determined to keep talking.
His motivation is not abstract. Niki remains the first contact in his iPhone favourites. Whenever he gets a new phone, he checks that her messages are still there. The final message she sent him was about coming to his home for lunch. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she wrote. He reacted with a love heart. The following morning, she was dead.
Asked what he would say to his sister now, Chawla rejected the idea that he had become her voice. “I’m not actually Niki’s voice. I’m my voice,” he said. “Niki should still be here.”
“I don’t want to say all these things about what I want her to hear. I just want her to be alive so that I can hear the things she wants to tell me.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic, family or sexual violence, support is available through 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In an emergency, call Triple Zero (000).
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