CONTENT WARNING: This article covers the topic of pregnancy loss and may be distressing for some readers. If you or someone you know needs pregnancy loss support, please contact: Pink Elephants Support Network at 1800 882 436, SANDS at 1300 072 637, Bears of Hope at 1300 11 HOPE or Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636.
Opening up for the first time since sharing that poignant photo after the tragic loss of her and John Legend’s third child, Jack, Chrissy Teigen has penned a raw, emotional essay about her experience.
Publishing the article on Medium on October 27, Teigen, who has two children, Luna and Miles, commenced by thanking her well-wishers.
“It feels right to begin with a thank you,” Teigen writes early in the essay.
“For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did.”
Teigen also wrote in detail what happened when it came time to deliver her baby, saying:
“At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20-week-old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). I was previously on bed rest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus.
“My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.
“I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual shitting baby. Some were blush coloured, with drawn delicate flowers. I got to the point where I was actually like, ‘hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!’—something I never thought I’d be excited for. But there we were.”
She continued on, later referring to the black and white photos she shared to Instagram following her loss, which sadly garnered criticism as well as support.
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming—it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all,” she wrote.
“Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.
“I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.
“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
You can read Teigen’s complete essay on Medium.