There is a phrase Dr Mary Claire Haver hears over and over again. “I just don’t feel like myself anymore.”
It comes from women who have built successful careers, raised families, managed households, navigated relationships and spent decades confidently juggling the competing demands of modern life. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, something shifts. They become forgetful. Their sleep disappears. Anxiety creeps in. Their patience shortens. They burst into tears over things that would never have previously bothered them. They gain weight despite changing nothing about their diet or exercise routine. They feel disconnected from themselves and struggle to understand why.
Often, when they seek help, they’re told they’re stressed, overwhelmed, burnt out or simply getting older. According to Haver, one of the world’s leading menopause specialists, that response has left generations of women suffering unnecessarily.
Appearing on Marie Claire Australia’s podcast You’re Gonna Want To Hear This, hosted by editor Georgie McCourt, Haver delivered a message that is resonating with women around the world: perimenopause is real, it often starts much earlier than most women realise, and far too many doctors are still failing to recognise it.
As a board-certified OB-GYN, certified menopause practitioner and New York Times bestselling author of both The New Menopause and her latest book, The New Perimenopause, Haver has become one of the most influential voices in women’s health. Through her books, research and social media platform, she has helped millions of women better understand the hormonal changes that occur during midlife and challenged decades of misinformation surrounding menopause care. Her latest book focuses on what she calls the “hormonal zone of chaos” — the years before menopause when symptoms can begin to emerge, often while women are still having regular menstrual cycles and are therefore told they are “too young” to be experiencing hormonal changes.
For McCourt, who is 44, the conversation felt deeply familiar. Like many women, she admitted she had found herself questioning whether the changes she was experiencing were simply the result of a busy life. Between work, children and everyday responsibilities, it seemed reasonable to assume exhaustion and overwhelm were to blame. But Haver believes women know when something deeper is happening.
“You built this life and you had it managed,” she told McCourt. “You wouldn’t have built a life you couldn’t manage and then all of a sudden the rug’s pulled out from under you and you’ve lost your resilience. That’s perimenopause.”
Listen To You’re Gonna Want To Hear This
The Symptoms Nobody Warned Us About
One of the most surprising revelations from the conversation was just how early perimenopause can begin. While many women still associate menopause with their early fifties, Haver explained that perimenopause often starts seven to ten years before menopause itself. For some women, symptoms can emerge in their late thirties. Others may notice changes even earlier.
Yet despite affecting millions of women, awareness remains remarkably low. “We don’t let a young girl go through puberty without someone holding her hand and explaining the basics,” Haver said. “We owe women this education.”
Historically, menopause education has focused on irregular periods and hot flushes. The problem, Haver explained, is that these symptoms often arrive much later in the transition.
Instead, the earliest signs tend to occur in the brain.
Sleep disruption. Anxiety. Mood changes. Brain fog.
“The brain hates hormonal chaos,” she explained, describing the dramatic fluctuations in estrogen and progesterone that occur as the ovaries begin responding less predictably to signals from the brain.
The result can feel unsettlingly familiar to women who suddenly find themselves struggling with concentration, emotional regulation and memory.
As Haver explained, the issue is not imagined.
The issue is biology.
Why So Many Women Are Still Being Dismissed
Perhaps the most shocking moment in the episode came when Haver reflected on her own medical training.
Early in her career, she presented a patient in her forties who was experiencing a range of symptoms including anxiety, headaches, weight gain and dry skin. Rather than investigate further, a senior doctor dismissed the woman as a “whiny woman” — shorthand for a patient whose symptoms were considered exaggerated or psychological.
Years later, while researching menopause, Haver discovered that similar attitudes existed across healthcare systems worldwide.
Women with perimenopausal symptoms were routinely viewed as difficult, emotional or anxious rather than as patients experiencing legitimate hormonal changes.
“It really took years of practice for me to realise she’s not crazy,” Haver admitted. “This is actually happening to her.”
It is one reason so many women spend years searching for answers.
Many are prescribed antidepressants. Others are told they simply need to manage stress better. Some leave appointments feeling unheard and confused.
McCourt herself revealed she had recently sought advice about hormone therapy, only to be told she was probably just busy and perhaps too young for perimenopause.
The experience is one countless women will recognise.
The Impact on Relationships, Careers and Confidence
The effects of perimenopause extend far beyond physical symptoms.
For many women, the emotional changes can place enormous strain on relationships and careers.
Haver revealed that whenever she speaks publicly about menopause and divorce, the responses tend to fall into two camps.
Some women feel hormonal changes contributed to the breakdown of otherwise healthy relationships. Others describe menopause as the catalyst that finally gave them the clarity and confidence to leave relationships that were no longer serving them.
The same can be true in the workplace.
Women who have spent decades excelling professionally suddenly find themselves battling brain fog, forgetfulness and emotional volatility at exactly the point in life when they should be stepping into leadership positions.
“We’re losing C-suite executives,” Haver said. “We’re losing people with all their wisdom at the top of their game.”
A New Conversation About Women’s Health
While much of the discussion focused on symptoms, Haver was equally passionate about solutions.
Hormone therapy, she argued, has been misunderstood for years. For the vast majority of women, she believes the benefits significantly outweigh the risks, particularly when it comes to improving symptoms and protecting long-term bone health.
But she is quick to point out that there is no single magic fix.
Exercise, particularly strength training, plays a crucial role. So does adequate protein intake, stress management, quality sleep, healthy relationships and learning to set boundaries.
In fact, one of the most profound changes Haver says she made during her own menopause journey was learning to prioritise herself.
“I come first,” she said. “My physical wellness, my mental wellness, my spiritual wellness. I have to focus on me.”
Now 57, Haver describes herself as happier, healthier and more fulfilled than she has ever been.
It is a perspective that challenges one of society’s most enduring myths — that a woman’s best years are somehow behind her once fertility ends.
Instead, she sees menopause as the beginning of a new chapter.
One that can be stronger, more confident and more joyful than the one before.
For women who are currently lying awake at 3am, forgetting words mid-sentence, questioning their resilience or wondering why they no longer feel like themselves, Haver offered one final message.
It is perhaps the most important takeaway from the entire conversation.
“Perimenopause is inevitable,” she said. “But suffering is not.”
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