Women have spent generations being told to smile, soften their voices and avoid making a fuss. But political journalist Amy Remeikis believes our desire to be seen as “nice” is preventing us from calling out injustice – and allowing bad behaviour to continue unchecked.
Speaking on the latest episode of You’re Gonna Want To Hear This, Remeikis argues that niceness is not the same as kindness, compassion or decency.
“Niceness usually just means staying quiet, staying small, staying in your place to make other people comfortable,” she tells host Georgie McCourt.
“Everyone can think of a nice bully. Everyone can think of somebody in their orbit who is described by others as nice, but they know that they are a terrible person.”
It is an idea Remeikis explores in her new book, Screw Nice, which examines the ways women and marginalised people are pressured into remaining polite, agreeable and silent – even when they are being mistreated.
“I think every single woman at some point has grappled with being the good girl,” she says. “We’ve smiled our way through sexist or misogynistic meetings, interactions at the bar or even sometimes in our family.”
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Remeikis says this conditioning teaches women to prioritise other people’s comfort over their own instincts. It also means that when a woman speaks directly, she is far more likely to be labelled emotional, mouthy or difficult.
“Directness is one of the sins of being a woman,” she says. “Men can be bossy and they’re strong leaders. Women tend to be controlling or shrews.”
For Remeikis, the word “difficult” is particularly revealing. When then-prime minister Anthony Albanese used it to describe former Australian of the Year Grace Tame, women immediately understood its coded meaning.
“Difficult just means non-compliant,” Remeikis says. “Somebody is not going along with the rules of civility. They’re actually taking up space and having their voice heard, and it’s making other people uncomfortable.”
Instead of shrinking away from that discomfort, she believes women should learn to tolerate it – and recognise the power that comes from speaking plainly.
“You can be direct and kind. You can be direct and compassionate,” she says. “But being indirect to maintain the veneer of civility is part of the reason things don’t get done.”
That does not mean women need to enter every disagreement armed with all the answers. Remeikis says the expectation that women must be perfectly informed before expressing an opinion is another way of discouraging them from participating.
“You do not need to know everything about a topic,” she says. “You just have to be confident in what you’re saying in terms of your values or why you think something is wrong.”
Remeikis points to former New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern as an example of a woman who combined empathy with direct, decisive leadership.
“You can be direct and kind and compassionate and forceful and confident, but you don’t have to play nice,” she says. “You don’t have to play by someone else’s rules.”
She also wants women to stop suppressing their anger, particularly in response to violence and injustice.
“You should be emotional about women being murdered,” she says. “We should be angry. We should be dissenting against a lot of what we’re seeing.”
That anger does not need to become cruelty. At the centre of Remeikis’ argument is a call for people to replace superficial politeness with something more meaningful: human dignity.
“Screw nice and start being decent,” she says. “Start being human and have human dignity at the centre of everything that you do.”
She believes speaking up can also give others permission to do the same.
“The more you start speaking up, the more you’re actually going to be joined by people who feel exactly the same way as you,” she says. “You will find your people and community when you start voicing those inner thoughts you’ve been told to keep quiet.”
And when asked what women should stop apologising for, Remeikis’ answer is emphatic: “Everything.”
“Stop apologising unless you’ve done something wrong that you need to make amends for,” she says. “Stop justifying your existence. If you’ve been hurt or mistreated or abused or let down, you are allowed to let people know that is what they did to you.”
Her final message is especially directed towards women who hold privilege, influence or institutional power.
“Use your power – and not just for you, but for those who need you to use it, particularly white women,” she says. “You can only get so far by playing by the rules. They’re still going to come for you, so you might as well use your power, your position and everything else at your disposal to help others.”
Amy Remeikis’ book Screw Nice is out now. Listen to the full conversation on You’re Gonna Want To Hear This, available wherever you get your podcasts, or watch the episode on marie claire Australia’s YouTube channel.
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