Dr Lucy Hone On The Day Her 12-Year-Old Daughter Died—And How She Learned To Survive It

What does resilience really look like when life becomes unimaginable?

That is the question at the heart of the latest episode of the marie claire podcast, You’re Going To Want To Hear This, where editor Georgie McCourt sits down with internationally recognised resilience expert Dr Lucy Hone to discuss grief, hope and the messy reality of surviving life’s hardest moments.

The conversation begins with a story that reshaped Lucy’s life. In 2014, her 12-year-old daughter Abi was killed in a devastating road accident while travelling to a mountain biking weekend with friends. In an instant, the psychologist who had spent her career studying resilience found herself living through the very trauma she had spent years researching.

“I remember standing in the kitchen thinking: choose life, not death,” Lucy tells McCourt. “Don’t lose what you have to what you have lost.”

Today, Lucy is one of the world’s most respected voices on resilience and grief. Her TED Talk, Three Secrets of Resilient People, has been watched more than nine million times, and her new book, How Will I Ever Get Through This? A Practical Guide to Navigating Life’s Toughest Times, draws on both science and lived experience.

In the podcast episode, Lucy tackles one of the most common questions people ask when facing devastating loss: How will I ever get through this?

“It didn’t surprise me that it was the number one question,” she says. “Grieving is the process of struggling to come to terms with something unthinkable. But the research shows that most people do get through potentially traumatic events using very ordinary processes. We are far more adaptable than we realise.”

One of the most powerful moments in the episode comes as Lucy explains a lesser-known truth about grief: it is deeply physical.

Hair loss, exhaustion, sweating and a persistent ache in the body are all common responses to profound loss. “People often think something is wrong with them,” she explains. “But these reactions are normal.”

Lucy also dismantles one of the most enduring myths about grief: the idea that people move neatly through the five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

“We know that isn’t how grief works,” she says. “Grief is as individual as your fingerprint.”

Instead, Lucy describes what psychologists call oscillation theory: the idea that grieving people move back and forth between confronting their loss and engaging with everyday life. That might mean crying one moment and making breakfast for your children the next.

“It’s possible to live and grieve at the same time,” she explains. “Messy, not what you wanted – but possible.”

Throughout the conversation, Lucy also shares the concept of post-traumatic growth, which research suggests occurs far more often than post-traumatic stress disorder in the general population.

That growth doesn’t mean trauma is welcome or positive. Instead, it reflects how people rebuild their understanding of the world after loss – often emerging with stronger relationships, clearer priorities and a deeper sense of meaning.

“People often say, ‘I’m stronger than I ever thought I was,’” Lucy says.

The episode also explores how friends and family can support someone navigating grief. One of Lucy’s most practical pieces of advice is deceptively simple: ask the question “How are you today?”

“The emphasis on today matters,” she explains. “Because every day in grief can be different.”

Ultimately, Lucy’s message is not about avoiding pain but understanding its place in a life shaped by love.

“We’re hardwired for love and connection,” she says. “Which means we have to be able to cope with grief and loss. You can’t have one without the other.”

It is a deeply moving conversation – one that acknowledges the weight of loss while offering a framework for hope.

As McCourt reflects at the end of the episode: resilience is not about being unbreakable. It’s about staying in relationship with your life, even when it looks nothing like the one you imagined.

Go to drlucyhone.com